


[VLOG] mystery try-on haul

by spadebrigade



Series: fortune [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (mostly), Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Fluff without Plot, Haikyuu Trans Week 2021, Hinata Shouyou & Kozume Kenma Friendship, Humor, Kozume Kenma in a Skirt, M/M, Nonbinary Kozume Kenma, One Shot, YouTuber Kozume Kenma, written as a transcript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:34:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29178801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spadebrigade/pseuds/spadebrigade
Summary: KUROO, OFFSCREENThe crocs are really doing it for me. And youknowI love a person in jorts.---Kenma tries on mystery outfits chosen by friends, with help from his boyfriend Kuroo.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Series: fortune [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1657177
Comments: 17
Kudos: 165
Collections: HQ!! Trans Week 2021, Kuroken(hasbroheybro)





	[VLOG] mystery try-on haul

**Author's Note:**

> hello~ this piece was written for day 3 of haikyuu!! trans week: style and presentation. keep reading to see art from the lovely alex [(@creius)](https://creius.carrd.co/) please check them out !!!

[Begin video transcript.]

[KENMA is sitting in his gamer chair.]

KENMA  
Hi everyone, it’s Kodzuken. So I know you’ve already read the title, but I wanted to try something different today. I thought we could play a game. [Someone snickers offscreen. KENMA looks at them, irritated.] What?

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
You’re a gaming channel.

KENMA  
[Rolls eyes.] Yeah, I was just going to explain that it’s a different kind of game than usual. Anyways. [Looks back at camera.] Like everyone else, I’ve been pretty bored in quarantine. And I always wear the same four pairs of sweatpants around the house—

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
That have holes in them. The ones you’re wearing now are from high school.

KENMA  
You don’t have to expose me.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Show them.

KENMA  
[Sighs, then pans the camera down to his legs. He is wearing red sweatpants with NEKOMA down the leg, a prominent hole in the knee.] There. Are you happy now?

[Returns camera to previous angle.] 

KENMA  
Now, if I could finally explain the game. I thought I could use some more clothes, but since I’ll just buy more of this, [gestures to the plain gray sweatshirt he’s wearing] I thought I’d ask my friends for help. Four of them picked out outfits for me online and sent the links to Kuro.

[KUROO appears behind KENMA, waving cheekily at the camera.]

KENMA  
He’s the one that ordered the packages, so I have no idea what the clothes look like. It took a couple months for everything to come in, but it’s all here now. Hold on while we change places.

[Cut to another room. The camera shows a table and a folded metal chair, which KENMA sits in. Hanging on a gray wall in the background are string lights and a black KODZUKEN banner.]

KENMA  
Okay, so. Kuro has divided all of the outfits into these bins. [He gestures to the large plastic bins.] To make it more fun, I’m going to try to guess who picked out each outfit.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Who were the people that picked them out?

KENMA  
Ah, right. [Counting them off on his fingers. As he does so, pictures of his friends pop onto the screen.] Shoyou, [An official MSBY photo of Shoyou Hinata posing in uniform] Fukunaga, [A promotional picture from a standup comedy event, where he speaks into a microphone] Lev, [A photo from his most recent modeling campaign, in a colorful and expensive-looking blazer] and Kuro. [A candid of him sleeping and drooling]

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Why do I get the feeling you’re going to edit in something that makes me look bad?

KENMA  
[Ignoring him.] How should we pick the order of the bins? [Looks up at KUROO.] Which one has the most items?

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
That one. [A hand appears from out of frame, patting the bin on the left.]

KENMA  
Let’s do that one last then, as a grand finale. We’ll start with...This one. [He lifts up the bin and begins to leave the room.]

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Where are you going??

KENMA  
[Holding the bin.] To put the outfit on.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
But you have to take the clothes out and give us your first impression!

KENMA  
No, that’s so boring. I’ll be right back. [He disappears into the hallway.]

KUROO  
[Pointing the camera at himself.] If he did an unboxing, the video would be longer and we could put in more ads. 

KENMA, OFFSCREEN  
[From the other room.] I can hear you.

KUROO  
I’m just thanking your subscribers, dear! [Grins cheekily.] By the way, click “subscribe” if you haven’t yet.

KENMA, OFFSCREEN  
[From the other room.] Is this my channel or yours?

KUROO  
[Shrugs.] Who can say?

[Playful music. A title card reads OUTFIT #1: MEME MOMENT.]

[The camera pans to a closed door.]

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Are you ready?

[The door opens, revealing KENMA in all of his glory. He is wearing a black T-shirt with a rainbow mermaid screenpinted on the front, red plastic sunglasses, medium-wash jean shorts, crew socks patterned with marijuana leaves, and bright red crocs. His hair is pulled into a messy bun.]

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Wowww. You look great, babe.

KENMA  
Thanks, babe. [He poses in the doorway. His movements are exaggerated, making KUROO laugh.] Wait ‘til you see the back. [He turns around, revealing the back of the T-shirt, which reads “GAYMER” in white comic sans.] Get it? Rainbow mermaid? Gay-mer?

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
[Laughs.] Are you going to wear it out of the house?

KENMA  
Absolutely not. But it is funny, and comfortable. [Looks down at his pants.] I don’t even know what to do with jorts.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Any guesses as to who picked the outfit?

KENMA  
Well, I don’t think it was you.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
How kind.

KENMA  
Definitely not Shoyou, so that leaves Fukunaga-kun and Lev. But Lev isn’t that creative.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
That’s a burn.

[A photo of LEV appears beside KENMA’S face, CGI flames slowly overtaking LEV as KENMA rolls his eyes.]

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
So you’ve locked in your guess! Let’s give him a call and see if you were right.

KENMA  
If I went outside, I would steal all the gamer boys right now.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
I’m going to lock the door, for unrelated reasons. We don’t have any milkshakes, right?

KENMA  
[Lowers his sunglasses flirtatiously.] I don’t need milkshakes to bring the boys to /my/ yard.

[KUROO laughs hyena-ishly, forcing KENMA into giggles.]

KENMA  
Okay, okay. [The screen is split between KENMA’S apartment and what is visible on his phone screen. He facetimes FUKUNAGA on his phone. After a few rings, FUKUNAGA answers.]

[FUKUNAGA is sitting at a table, wood paneling behind him.]

FUKUNAGA  
Well, if it isn’t the famous Kodzuken.

KENMA  
Hey, are you at work?

FUKUNAGA  
Yeah, I’m on break right now. [He pauses as he leans towards the camera.] That’s a...nice shirt you got there.

KENMA  
Is it? Thank you.

FUKUNAGA  
[Being awkward on purpose.] I believe that’s what they call a POG moment. A real champion move.

KENMA  
Please, please stop. Why did you choose this outfit anyway?

FUKUNAGA  
I wanted you to have a sexy outfit to seduce Kuroo.

KENMA  
[Laughs.] How thoughtful of you.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
The crocs are really doing it for me. And you /know/ I love a person in jorts.

FUKUNAGA  
He won’t be in the jorts for long.

KENMA  
You should see how Kuro looks in his old man pajamas.

FUKUNAGA  
He still wears those?

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Okay, I’ve heard enough. Ready to say bye, Fukunaga?

FUKUNAGA  
Yes! Please support me by following me on social media or coming to my comedy shows this month. Kodzuken will link the details somewhere on this video. Thank you~ [He waves.]

KENMA  
[Waves back.] Bye, Fukunaga-kun.

[Playful music. Title card reads OUTFIT #2: COMFY KITTY.]

[The camera pans to the same door as earlier.]

KENMA, OFFSCREEN  
I already like this one because the tags are from a lot of nearby boutiques. It’s supporting local businesses. 

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Are you dressed yet?

[KENMA opens the door. His hair is in a half-up half-down style, adorned by a pair of black cat ears. He is wearing a fuzzy oversized sweater (over which KENMA and KUROO argue over the color: KENMA insists that it is pastel blue and KUROO insists that it is lilac), a plastic tattoo choker, purple leggings, and pastel sneakers.]

KENMA  
Kuro, you picked this one. [He gestures to the cat ears.]

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
[Cheekily.] How could you tell?

[KENMA looks in the camera like he’s in The Office.]

[A montage plays onscreen with whimsical music in the background: they are all video clips of KUROO referring to KENMA as “cat,” “kitty,” or “kitten.” When the montage is over, the camera zooms in on KENMA’S deadpan expression.]

KENMA  
Anyways.

[The camera unzooms.]

KENMA  
I’m surprised that you picked an outfit that I might actually like. Though I don’t usually go for pastels...

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
I have always been a nice person.

[KENMA responds with a disbelieving expression, which KUROO laughs at.]

KENMA  
That means I’ve gotten two guesses right so far.

[A tally appears on screen beside Kenma in red font, reading KENMA: II, KURO: 0.]

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
You know you’re competing against yourself.

KENMA  
[Glares at him.] I know. [He rubs his hands against the material of the sweater.] ...This is actually really soft. I like it.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Can I get a kiss for choosing well?

KENMA  
[Blushes.] Not right now. This isn’t a relationship channel.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Comment down below if you want me and Kenma to kiss!

KENMA  
Oh my God. Stop it. I’m going to put on the next outfit.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Wait! Aren’t you going to plug my social media?

KENMA  
No one should ever look at any of your social media, ever.

[At the bottom of the screen is KUROO’S twitter handle.]

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Ohh, is it because you’re jealous? You don’t want anyone sliding into my DMs.

[KENMA exits frame.]

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Well, folks, he didn’t deny it!

KENMA, OFFSCREEN  
[From the other room.] Shut up!

[Playful music. Title card reads [ OUTFIT #3: GUCCI GANG. ](https://media.gucci.com/style/DarkGray_Center_0_0_800x800/1605290407/648799_Z8AMG_4398_003_100_0000_Light-Check-wool-shirt-with-tiger-patch.jpg)]

[The camera pans to the same door as earlier.]

KENMA, OFFSCREEN  
[From the other room.] I’m not sure what to expect because all of this stuff is from Gucci...Maybe I should have made more rules for this game, like a budget.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
[Laughing, hyena-like.] When we’re done filming, you’re gonna check your bank account and find it empty.

[KENMA opens the door. He is wearing normal full-length medium-wash jeans, except they have small Gucci logos printed all over in a repeating pattern. He is also wearing a blue plaid shirt made of wool, a beige bucket hat, and a brown belt with a big Gucci buckle.]

KENMA  
We have to play the music over this.

[KENMA slowly bobs his head and poses as “Gucci Gang” by Lil Pump plays in the background. Except instead of the whole song, it plays the phrase “gucci gang” on repeat.]

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
So how do you feel in the Gucci threads?

KENMA  
Honestly? Ridiculous. Look at the back of the shirt. [He turns around, revealing [ an angry tiger painted over the shoulders. ](https://media.gucci.com/style/DarkGray_Center_0_0_800x800/1605290409/648799_Z8AMG_4398_013_100_0000_Light-Check-wool-shirt-with-tiger-patch.jpg)] Who thinks of these designs? I’m sure Azumane-san could do much better.

[KUROO laughs again.]

KENMA  
I’m beginning to see some themes here. Cats and weird things on the backs of shirts.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Who do you think picked this one?

KENMA  
Only Lev would choose something this...loud.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Correct!

KENMA  
[Sighs.] He works in fashion now. I thought he’d at least be able to pick something good.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Don’t your followers always tell you to spend more money on yourself?

KENMA  
They also tell me to sell feet pics, so I don’t take them too seriously with that stuff. 

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Well, let’s see what he thinks.

[The screen is split between KENMA’S apartment and what is visible on his phone screen. He facetimes LEV. It rings a few times. No answer.]

KENMA  
Are you kidding me?

[Cut to a few minutes later.]

KENMA  
Well, Lev isn’t picking up, so I’ll have to try to reach him later.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
That means you have one outfit left to try on.

KENMA  
[Visibly happy.] It must be Shoyou’s.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Oh, look how his eyes are sparkling.

KENMA  
Shut up, Kuro.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
[Sighs wistfully.] I could never compare to Hinata-kun. 

KENMA  
[Deadpanning] You’re absolutely right. 

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
You say that now, but I’m going to edit in photos of you looking at me lovingly.

KENMA  
[Exits frame.] You better not!

[KUROO chuckles devilishly, turning the camera towards himself. He gestures to empty spaces in the frame, which fill with photos: KENMA standing on tiptoes to kiss his cheek, the two of them out on a walk in the cold and pressing closely to each other, a candid selfie that KUROO took on the couch while KENMA was rubbing his feet.]

KUROO  
There’s the evidence, folks.

KENMA, OFFSCREEN  
What was that?

KUROO  
Nothing!

[Playful music. A title card reads: “OUTFIT #4: E-Them”]

[The camera pans to the door for the last time.]

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Come on out.

[KENMA opens the door slowly. When he enters frame, he is decked out in a full e-girl outfit: a black tank top with an embroidered rose on the breast laid over a black-and-white striped turtleneck, paired with a pleated black mini skirt, a belt with chains, thigh high socks, platform boots, and a chain necklace. His hair is down and he is wearing black nail polish, as well as makeup: black winged eyeliner, blush on his nose and cheeks, and red lipstick.]

[KENMA stares just beyond the camera, at KUROO.]

KENMA  
[Laughs.] What?

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
I...wow. You look really good.

KENMA  
Thank you. By the way, [looks into the camera] I better not see any comments roasting my makeup! I’ve never put this stuff on before, so I tried my best.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
I think it looks great. 

KENMA  
[Laughs.] You said that already. Just so everyone knows, the makeup and the nail polish were part of the items Shoyou sent me, I was just following instructions.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
How do you feel about being an e-girl?

KENMA   
[Pauses thoughtfully.] I don’t know. [He lifts up the edge of the skirt, showing off the pleats.] I don’t think I’ve ever worn a skirt.

[KENMA walks over to a nearby mirror, checking himself out.]

KENMA  
I don’t know if Shoyou picked this outfit as a joke, but...surprisingly, I really like it. [He poses with his hand on his hip.]

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
It suits you.

KENMA  
Maybe not with all the accessories, but I would wear the turtleneck again, and the shoes. And...and maybe the skirt.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
And the cat ears too?

KENMA  
I’m sick of you.

[The screen is split between KENMA’S apartment and what is visible on his phone screen. He facetimes SHOYOU, who answers almost immediately.]

SHOYOU  
Kenma!! Oh my gosh, hi!! [He gasps loudly.] Are you wearing the outfit?!

KENMA  
[Smiling] I am.

SHOYOU  
Show me, show me!

[KENMA angles the phone away, showing off the outfit as SHOYOU cheers.]

SHOYOU  
You /have/ to post that on Instagram.

KENMA  
I think I will. This whole look is great. But what made you choose it?

SHOYOU  
Well, e-girls are kind of on trend, right? [Laughs.] And I thought it would really suit you! Kuroo-san said you were looking for new looks, and you’ve never tried feminine things before so I thought it would be cool to see you in all that stuff, and it’s black, which you like wearing.

KENMA  
You’ve got a point there. Your outfit was much better than Kuro’s.

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
Hey!

SHOYOU  
[Laughs.] Sorry, Kuroo-san! Better luck next time.

KENMA  
Anything to say before you go?

SHOYOU  
Please continue supporting Kenma! Ah, I mean Kodzuken.

KENMA  
Thanks, Shoyou.

[SHOYOU’S social media handles appear on screen as he waves goodbye. KENMA ends the call.]

KENMA  
Well, that’s all we have, everyone. Thank you for your support. If you want to see more fashion videos, then look at some other channel. [KUROO laughs offscreen.] I don’t think we’ll be doing this again, even though it was really fun. Thank you to my friends for participating in this. Lev, screw you for not answering my call. [KUROO laughs again.]

KUROO, OFFSCREEN  
When he calls back, we’ll put his reaction in the next vlog.

KENMA  
In the meantime, goodbye! And stay connected.

[End transcript.]

**Author's Note:**

> thank you again to alex [(@creius)](https://creius.carrd.co/) for the art, and for your time, and for being a fellow kuroken lover. also, a special thank you to my beta [ana <3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnarchyAngel)
> 
> feel free to leave a comment and check out my:  
> [other fics](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spadebrigade/pseuds/spadebrigade/works) | [carrd](https://spadebrigade.carrd.co/)


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